I Don’t Consider Myself a Misogynist

I used to identify myself as a maleist. That is, I believed that the rights of men were being whittled away by American women. I believed that we were raising a generation of men to be pussies. We were stamping out natural male instincts in an attempt to keep them subdued. We were telling American men that they should be ashamed of their sex and instincts.

I’m sure Fight Club had something to do with this.

I don’t identify as a maleist anymore. I find myself thinking these thoughts from time to time. I realize that they are misguided. But, they’re still lingering.

I don’t consider myself a misogynist… but….

My wife and I have an okay marriage. We’ve been together for 8 years. We don’t hate each other. We’re not madly in love anymore, but we’ve got something that is positive and works. Our kids are amazing and smart. She’s an incredible mother. I’m a suitable father. That’s life.

She gets upset with me because of my inability to be intimate.

Not the way you’re thinking. I’m always ready for sex. It’s in the way that she likes.

I shy away from physical contact and heartfelt discussions… sober anyways.

Sometimes, when I’m home, I’ll do a chore or job or make breakfast in bed or dinner for the kids or vacuum a room or clean her car and present it to her like a caveman with game. She’ll thank me and move on with her life. Later that night I’ll make a feeble attempt at sex. She’ll rebuff me and I’ll get angry.

“I DID THAT THING! FOR YOU!” I’ll say.

Then we’ll argue.

I don’t consider myself a misogynist… but…

My mother gave my brothers and I up when I was 10. We went to live with my father and his new wife. She was only 26 years old with three brand new, and heavily damaged boys to raise. I took out a lot of anger on her. I thought that she had ruined my family.

I take that back.

I wanted to believe that she had ruined my family. But she didn’t. She saved it.

I still treated her like she would give up on us at any moment. Right up to the moment I left the house for good.

I don’t consider myself a misogynist… but…

I wish I could explain everything that goes through the mind of a young man. There is SO MUCH SELF DOUBT AND ANGST!

I spent my college years in the Navy. Specifically, I spent my adult formative years on a submarine with 120 men. We used to sit out under the ocean and talk about everything. Especially women. Most of us were terrified of them. Women were such a mystery. So soft and nice and sweet and… We knew that we were good guys. We knew that if a girl got to know us, she’d like us. We knew she’d sleep with us.

Sleep with us.

Sleep with us.

Cause we were good guys.

I don’t consider myself a misogynist… but…

I work in an office. My wife doesn’t. She raises the kids and does the housework and pays the bills and runs the family.

I get the biggest piece of pizza when we order out.

If we go to a party, I assume that she’ll drive home because I’m going to be too drunk.

When I get home I’ll drop my clothes on the ground or pile them on my dresser or on the kitchen table or on the bed or anywhere but where they belong. I’ll ask “What’s for dinner?”. I’ll commandeer the TV. I’ll ignore the kids. I’ll surf the internet.

I don’t consider myself a misogynist… but…

I truly believe that my wife is better at life than I am. I respect her ability to teach our family about life.

She’s helped change me from a card carrying Republican to a bleeding heart liberal and convinced me that I did it on my own.

She’s pushed me into a side career that I can’t imagine doing without.

Hell, she dresses me for chrissakes.

And I have a hard time listening to her stories or watching her shows or reading her books or…

I don’t consider myself a misogynist… but…

I think I am.

Shit.

Rape Culture exists. As much as I have been avoiding saying it for years. It exists.

I’m not guilty of beating my wife. I’m not guilty of rape. I’m not guilty of shooting a sorority.

I am guilty of thinking in a manner that promotes one sex over the other… even during my “enlightened” years.

I will never understand the mind of a woman. I don’t know what it’s like to walk down the streets of Cambridge alone at night as a woman. I will never know what it’s like to have a drunk 230 pound man angry at me cause he’s not getting laid.

I’m sorry.

Vanessa, I’m sorry.

I don’t consider myself a misogynist…. but….

I’m trying to change.

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255 thoughts on “I Don’t Consider Myself a Misogynist

  1. I have a question: are “sexism” and “misogyny” now considered synonyms? I’ve always thought of them as related, but distinct, misogyny being more extreme, violent or overt. I read this post as describing sexist behavior but not outright misogyny.

    • The terms are changing. I notice their usage is being stretched across much broader definitions. I guess that’s just the evolution of language.

    • I think sexism is used for prejudice against another sex while misogyny is prejudice particularly against the female gender.

      • Sexism is about dominance and control. It’s a type of oppression. Well, in practice, you’re probably right. I don’t know of any contemporary matriarchies in which men are oppressed. But in theory it’s possible. Maybe the amazons were sexist against men. I don’t know enough about them to say that. But yes when applied, then sexism is about the oppression of women and almost synonymous with misogyny.

    • Sexism, like any ‘ism’ is treating someone based differently only on their physical appearance/attributes. Misogyny, by definition, is, literally, hatred of women. One is a subset of the other. The point of this article is that the gentleman has has become aware of his own behavior that treats women as though they are less of a person than him.
      “I am guilty of thinking in a manner that promotes one sex over the other… even during my “enlightened” years.” This is sexism, allowed by misogyny.
      You can’t love or respect something while simultaneously thinking of it as being less than you, which is what prejudice, in any form, is; a belief that you are better simply because of your outward attributes. Well, maybe, I mean you can be an intellectual snob, but since we don’t really value intelligence and education, it’s the dumb people who have a name for their hatred of smart, cultured people: “elitist”.

      • roflmao. Racism doesn’t happen to white people. You all are so stuck in your little “white hate” world that you cant see the truth. MEN AND WOMEN ARE DIFFERENT. JUST BECAUSE WE DO NOT SEE THINGS THE SAME, NOR CAN RELATE THE SAME ON ISSUES DOES NOT MAKE US MYSOGINIST OR A FORM OF SEXISM.

      • I see that you are miseducated, so I will try to explain this before starting to ridicule ignorance.

        Racism is NOT about hatred, just like sexism is not about hatred. Yes there are black people who hate whites (because of racism) and yes, there are women who hate men (because of sexism), but that doesn’t qualify as racism/sexism. Racism (and sexism) is institutionalized oppression based on a group’s appearance (or financial status or gender identity or social status or age). Racism (/sexism/homophobia/ageism) is oppression of the minority. Now women make up pretty much half the population, so how are women a minority? Well, when we speak of a minority not in relation to -isms, we think of minorities in numbers. This is not what is meant, when we speak of minorities in culture. When we say minority, we mean a minority in value. Women are about equal in number but unequal in value.

        To get back to your statement that “Men and women are different.” This is an ambiguous statement and more untrue than true. As someone who actually studies gender psychology, let me assure you that the biological similarities between men and women far outweigh their few differences. This is due to the fact that female is biological default program. Everybody starts out as a female fetus but if you have a y-chromosome (male) the program is overwritten to grow a penis etc. however, the y-chromosome has very little information (27 markers) compared to the female x-chromosome (1600 markers) which everybody inherits. MRI studies and post-mitten brain dissection show a few differences between male and female brains, yet, neuropsychologists have not found any differences in psychological function that cannot be eliminated through elimination of stereotype threat or social conditioning. This makes sense because brains are highly malleable and they do not fully develop until age 24. Imagine living either in a pink frilly world, or in a blue edgy world for 24 years. Do you think that will not have a pervasive effect on your synaptogenesis? Of course, it does, and it’s why different brain areas are more active in certain tasks for different genders. The only differences we can observe lie in social conditioning but social conditioning is different for each individual. In fact, differences among men and differences among women far outweigh the differences between the sexes. So please let’s just cut the “men are from mars, and women are from Venus” crap because it’s just not scientifically feasible

      • Sex’ism’ is believing that one sex is inferior to the other. It is not simply a differentiation of gender. That is called, er, gender. That is how we differentiate between the sexes. Gender, ethnicity, skin color, body size, age, country of origin, etc. are ways of differentiating people. Sexism, agism, fatism, racism, nationalism, gender bias, etc. are ways of discriminating against people because of their differences.

  2. It sounds like you’re still projecting the anger you have from your mom abandoning you. Now you’re taking it out on your wife. You aren’t intimate with her b/c you still have attachment issues stemming from the abandonment. You’re also emotionally abandoning your children. Please get help.

    • The attachment issues are definitely there, though I’d assert that the ’emotional abandonment’ of children is something that we’ve socialized through the modern breadwinner-productive culture (the one that stresses that you have to be productive or work for the sake of productivity, especially among males, if there’s at least 40 hours of out the week where you’re not able to be with your children, I’d say you’re abandoning them on some level).

    • I really felt like his prefacing paragraphs with ‘II don’t consider myself a misogynist…. but….” were his subtle way of saying, “I’ve always said that but I think I’m observing behavior in myself that demonstrates I might be….” I thought it might be too subtle for some.

    • I think you missed, like many, the subtlety in this article. He is demonstrating his awareness of the exact ‘issues’ you say he needs help with. You may want to take a literature or comprehension class. Or maybe just slow down and try to really absorb what the writer is trying to convey.
      It is really frustrating to try and communicate an idea with imagination and to have someone jump in spewing comments about what they think . is being said rather than taking the time to actually internalize what is being expressed. It’s kind of rude, actually, to make comments with no real understanding of the article.

  3. I am s glad that I don’t have to deal with this misogyny business. I am female, 60 years old, am married for 24 years with a wonderful loving man. He loves sports, to have sex as much as possible, he doesn’t help with the dishes unless I ask him to, he takes out the trash and I ask him to fix things around the house. I am very blessed to have this kind of relationship. When I don’t feel like sex, I tell him and he does what he has to do to relieve himself or just sleep. He watches baseball, football, and all playoffs of all sports. I get so annoyed with this behavior since I did not grow up with spectator sports in my country. He doesn’t help with the dishes because I prefer to clean up after eating as I think sitting down right after a meal makes your stomach bigger. When I was younger and cuter, men would try to make passes at me but I didn’t consider any as sexual harassment since I liked looking & dressing sexy and if this was acknowledged then I felt I succeeded. But I also never had to tolerate that kind of behavior because I had a job to keep. I enjoy being a woman and actually feel a bit sorry for men and the pressure society places on them. I also feel sorry for them to being made to feel like they are misogynists – which actually means hatred of women. How can men hate women when they were born of a woman? How can women feel any less powerful when they are the givers of life? I believe that economics is responsible for women who are subjugated by men. Men who hate their jobs, men who were neglected by their mothers, men who are not respected by their partner – these are what make men crazy. Re sex, the penis is like this appendage that has a mind of its own. When it feels any stirring, it hardens and is ready for sex. This a natural thing- what is not natural is when they force it on women. Women have so much power that if they were neglected and abused in childhood, they too grow up all messed up emotionally and soon they feel victimized and act like victims. This kind of energy attracts the men who want to dominate and then it all becomes a vicious cycle. I write so simplistically because all kinds of pain and suffering come from people who have been in pain and suffering for so long…neglected, abused, unloved children. A misogynist is born and in a woman’s case – a misanthrope. So, American men – pls stop feeling that it is all your fault. I see women becoming more masculine and men becoming more feminine and all that is fine but let us not completely turn into the opposite sex as heterosexuals pls….I have nothing against gays or lesbians but what is sad is when men are more feminine than their wives but are hetereosexuals. I guess that is what feminists want…..

    • Excellent reply…I think that misogyny is too strong a word for this guy’s actions. He may be an asshole, but he doesn’t sound like a misogynist to me. That is the problem with some that like to broaden the meaning of words so that essentially they are meaningless. There are people that call spanking children abuse, having an argument with a spouse verbal abuse. These words used to actually mean something , but now they have been watered down to mean nothing.

    • You’re acting as if those men who subjugate women are just foul apples that became foul because of an idividual failure of their parents. It’s not just parents it’s society in general. And no there is nothing wrong with an “effeminate” man or a “masculine” woman and that has nothing to do with their sexual preference either. I don’t know why you would bring heterosexuality and homosexuality into the play because homosexuals are generally more adherent to gender stereotypes such as hyper masculinity and hyper femininity. Obviously, you know little more than stereotypes about homosexuals and your ideas for heterosexuals are an artifact of patriarchy. Men acting like “men” and women acting like “women” is actually psychologically very unhealthy. The most psychologically healthy people are androgynous which means that they posses over 70% positive masculinity and over 70% positive femininity. I study this stuff and I’m sick and tired of people who have no idea giving out psychological advise. Especially if it’s as ill-advised as heterosexual men should act like men or they might turn into women. That’s ridiculous and pregnant with prejudice against women

  4. We’ve all been influenced to one extent or another, to become that thing that most affected us growing up. You just did the most vital thing evidencing that, “you are not a misogynist”; you acknowledged your weaknesses, and most importantly, you’ve gone as far as to try to overcome them. This article is a freaking “tribute” to your wonderful wife! You are not a misogynist! You’re a wonderful husband and I’m sure your wife agrees! 🙂

  5. Wow! That was really cool and brave of you to write. I’m a woman and a feminist, but I’m hoping that there will be a day when we don’t need those labels anymore – maybe someday a gift for your kids. Well done! Thanks for being so thoughtful and honest! (And public!)

  6. As a 180lb, 6’1″ rugby playing male, I may end up intimidating women, my size, stature and sex dictates that. I don’t want to intimidate women. Why would I?

    My question to the #YesAllWomen campaign is, what can I change about me to help eradicate the fear that women have on men? This is not at all a dig at the campaign, I very much agree that there are issues with male dominance in society, though I really question how feasible it is to change any of these concepts in practical terms. If it is the physical me that scares women, what can I do about that?

    On another note, why is it that as a 15 year old who has (as far as I am aware) never been misogynist or sexist I am lumped in with men across the whole spectrum, and pressured in to believing I have done something wrong, purely because I have a penis?

    Is this not one of the key sentiments that feminism bases itself upon, to eradicate irrational and unfair preconceptions on one sex?

    I’m all for the further emancipation of women, however, what I am not for is for a whole sex to be judged on the actions of just a few.

    • I believe the point here is to recognize and acknowledge the assumptions men make about women. The excellent example is where he does a chore for her then expects sex as a reward. How deeply ingrained this is in male culture that we don’t even see it unless we’re looking for it — but women see it and are affected by it. It’s not that you have done or will do anything criminal, but to try to change the assumptions.

      That said, I’m getting pretty annoyed at the definition creep that’s coming into the word misogyny. To me (and original def.) it means active hatred of women; Elliot Whatever hated women for not handing him what he wanted, unasked. The examples in this blogpost are more of ignorance, or lack of awareness, of the female condition (as in human condition).

    • Oh, Callum, you poor thing, you are as transparent as a pair of Lululemon yoga pants.

      You start us off with a description of yourself pulled right off of Match.com that basically says, “I can’t help it if I’m too much man for you, ladies. It’s not my fault if you aren’t ready for sexual dominance.” Funny how you use the word “dictate.” To dictate is to impose one’s will onto another, to issue a command. Is that how you deal with people smaller than you or is that just how you hope your bulk will be perceived? Why are you so scared of people?

      Also interesting that you ask the question, “Why would I?” in reference to intimidating women. It reminds me of how guilty people repeat the question back to their accuser in an attempt to deflect. If someone asked me “Did you torture and kill that baby on the news last night?” I wouldn’t say “Why would I?” I’d say, “Are you sniffing lighter fluid again?” The question “Why would I?” is a probe to discern if the accuser is aware of the perpetrator’s motives. So, Callum, when you intimidate people, what exactly do you hope to achieve?

      Then you imply that the only thing about you that could be construed as offensive is your physical body, which you’ve already clumsily advertised as a prime cut and For Rent. By now, I’m starting to smirk because your ignorance is glowing like Rudolph’s red nose. You don’t even realize that your attitude and presentation–“You can’t make me confess my indirect complicity and I can’t think of any solutions off the top of my head, so I declare the whole thing impractical”–is making you come off as a limp asshat.

      Then you mention that you are 15 which, believe me, absolves you of nothing because there are 15-year-olds out there changing the world right and left. But you are right about one thing: no one should make the mistake of lumping you into the group called “men.” You have much too far to go for that, proof being that you believe you automatically deserve the title purely on the basis of your genitalia. There is a whopping difference between a man and a male, kiddo. It’s regrettable that you didn’t have any strong, loving male role models to teach you that. But you’re young yet, it could still happen.

      The rest of your rant disintegrates into defensive hyperbole that illuminates for us just how detached from the desires of women you really are. It reveals that you are really just fighting to keep Callum free of blame and discomfort, not fighting to keep women free of misogyny. And it’s a funny thing, but guilty people whose shame is triggered tend to squawk pretty loud when they sense the hammer coming down. I hope one day you find the awareness and the courage that Nate has found because all the women you will ever come into contact with deserve it. And so do you.

      • In hindsight, I am completely ignorant and inept.

        I think perhaps my sorry excuse highlights the resentment that many males my age have that they may have to change the future of women. Though it’s not really fair that males my age (notice males, not men, boys would probably be appropriate) are going to have to be responsible for removing this indirect compliance of 99% of males, men, boys etc, I think my ignorance shows that as a society there is a infinite amount of work to be done, especially for those who disassociate themselves with the problem and claim they are bettering the situation. I am not bettering the situation. My indirect compliance hinders the movement. I see that now.

        Other than the article that was posted in reply to my comment, I still don’t really know what I can do, or what anyone can do. Again, I’ll stress, this is not a dig, but I fail to see (most likely it seems down to my ignorance) what the next step forward is. I was more hoping for some enlightening rather than a stream of abuse, but each to their own.

        Genuinely interested to hear back from you, and thats not sarcasm, now you’ve thrown up those issues with my comment I’d like to see how I can change myself so I don’t look like such a pathetic joke.

      • If that was all in earnest, here is my reply.

        I confess to fighting what I thought was fire with fire. Your comment was worded offensively and I climbed down there with you to rub your nose in it. But screaming at a puppy just makes you feel like an ass.

        If you really want to know what you can do, the first step is education. Get the facts straight. First of all, it only seems like 99% of men disrespect women. If you are hanging around the types who fit that category, the whole world feels populated by jerkwads. Find a better group to party with and the future will feel more hopeful.

        It might take some time to extricate yourself from old patterns of friends who no longer fit your new paradigm and that process may suck. But it’s a lot easier than a lifetime of failed relationships from settling for emotionally damaged girlfriends who accept abuse because that’s all your group has been hanging around with. Awesome men get the awesome ladies in the end because the awesome ladies’ radar works.

        Second, you are not responsible for anyone else’s behavior. If your friends are misogynistic idiots who buck themselves up with phrases like “fat c—” and “She’s probably a lesbo” whenever a girl rejects their clumsy advances, that’s not on you. What’s on you is when you chuckle along with them in order to stay in good with them and not be rejected by the group. That’s the complicity so many guys dismiss as harmless.

        “We were just jokin’, geez. Can’t you take a joke?” Those are the warning bells that should be ringing in your sense of morality. That’s the kind of shit that goes on and on until someone commits suicide or takes a group of classmates with them with an assault rifle. If you’ve never been bullied, ask someone who has. They’ll tell you how it feels. Ask a girl how misogyny feels. Ask her how many times she’s been treated unfairly this week. If you really want to see how brave you are, ask a girl in your class if you or any of your friends have ever said or done anything that hurt her and then ask her if she has any suggestions.

        Third, the only thing you really need to do to help and protect women is quite simple, actually. Be a good person. Act upon what you believe to be right. Do it so that others can see you do it, especially boys younger than you. Social pressure is more powerful than a fuckin’ earthquake–you can move entire continents with it. But its strength comes from its sheer size: numbers count.

        Yes, it seems insurmountable when you are all alone and asking what you can do. But get on a team, a strong, coordinated team, and you all become Superman simultaneously. You play rugby, you know what I’m talking about. Pay attention to which figurative team you are on right now. If they are moving the wrong way down the field, suck it up and be the different one. Failing that, find a different team. Only the strongest people are able to do this but they lead extraordinary lives and have great sex.

        Lastly, and most importantly, focus. Eyes on the prize. Focus on what you want to be, not what you want to avoid being. A lot of people will tell you that declaring war on something is a step in the right direction, that it summons supporters. This backfires daily. Getting a lot of people together to push against something just creates a lot of tired people…who will never be done pushing because the thing, the enemy, always pushes back.

        The smart way, the superhero way, the way that will make women look up at you in awe is to walk the walk with such strength of integrity that people are a little rattled by you, kind of like the way they are rattled by sports heroes and movie stars. Don’t push, just be. When you are so unshakable in your actions and resolve, even in the face of peer pressure from lesser men, that people give up trying to test you, THAT’S what you can do. THAT’S intimidation at its greatest, baby.

        No will have to tell you you’re a man, then. You’ll know it.

      • Ouch, all thoughts! You gave that boy a whopping! I agree that the whole “all feminists hate all men” but was annoying to me to which is why I didn’t answer at first but now I feel kind of bad for him. He’s just a kid and we probably said dumb shit when we were kids, too.

        Well, Callum that gentle men’s guide to rape culture someone posted is a good start. You should read it.
        Here are some other tips: don’t just hit on strange girls on the street. The girl knows you’re not asking her for her number because you are so enthrall end by her personality and it can be intimidating too to try to reject a huge stranger. You never know how they react to rejection. So just leave it. Also, step up for girls. Not to impress them and get them to sleep with you but because you want to live in a society in which women are respected. If your old-fashioned teacher implies girls are bad at math, say “that’s not actually true. Psychologists have found out, women and minorities only underperform when they are under stereotype threat. Boys and girls are actually a lot more similar than different.” If one of your friends makes a rape joke tell him it’s fucked up and he’s acting like a fucking moron. Jokes aside, one in four girls and one in six guys have been victims of childhood sexual abuse. If you’re in a class of 30 students, there are statistically speaking 7 girls and 5 guys in your class who will probably have a very disturbing but silent reaction to that joke and they probably won’t go to sleep that night. PTSD is a dibilitating condition and I can assure you that several of your friends have been victims and probably some in your family. But if you have a feeling someone you know was a victim, don’t ask them. You may traumatize them.
        I know standing up for people takes a lot of confidence and that is especially hard during puberty when you feel like everybody’s watching you. But you know what? They may say shit but really they’re too caught up with themselves to really care that much about other people. We psychologists call this teenage egocentrism and it’s basically the transitioning from child egocentrism (only I matter) over teenage egocentrism (other people are here and everybody’s watching me) to adulthood (other people are here but they don’t give a shit). Also here’s a really good tip: BE FRIENDS WITH GIRLS. Don’t be friends with them because you find them attractive, just hang out with them and listen to their problems. You’ll be surprised about the stuff you never thought about and if at some point in time you should have a girlfriend it will help you understand her better. Also the dumb ass meme that guys are only in the friendzone to get some is extremely sexist and part of that migynist entitlement that makes boys think girls owe them sex, simply because they’re civil. Hope that helped.

      • Good point about the Friend Zone, manga.

        The Friend Zone has got to be the single most irritating ball of hairy crap I’ve heard come out of male mouths in the last twenty years. Its very definition implies that there are only two relational stances for men to take with women: having sex with them or not having sex with them.

        And to insinuate that it’s women who put them there–“Aw, dude, she’s got you in the friend zone”–or that the very word “friend” is the worst thing a guy can hear a girl say about him, wreaks all sorts of havoc on sanity.

        Callum, your first goal should be to be friends with a girl.

        If she doesn’t like you enough to be friends, she doesn’t appreciate your superpowers. Girls take social standing very seriously. If she isn’t proud to stand next to you in the hall, if she doesn’t stick up for you in conversation, if she doesn’t shut down other guys who hit on her when you are around (and especially when you’re not), if she doesn’t invite you to join her group for parties and activities, she’s not interested.

        And if she’s not interested in you but she’s still willing to have sex, she’s using you for some reason. And if she’s using you, she doesn’t respect you. (Yes, it goes both ways.) And somebody like that doesn’t care enough about you to tell you she has genital warts or stopped using birth control last month or is just doing this on a dare from her secret older boyfriend in college. Check the room for video cameras, dude.

        Plus, and I’m sure I don’t need to tell you this but just in case all of social media hasn’t driven it home yet, girls talk to one another. Treat one like dirt and you are marked for life. But treat them like worthwhile equals and they’ll be fantasizing about you at passing time. That’s the truth.

      • I can’t find a way to reply to these responses but this is so much more constructive! I probably haven’t been rooting around enough for answers but this stuff needs publishing. I proved earlier that with lack of appropriate direction ignorant people can say stupid shit; evidently giving off the idea that ‘all feminists hate all men’ is really dumb.

        But if anyone else wants to pipe up, go ahead, perhaps I needed to get my head kicked in before I started seeing some sense.

      • Here, Callum. Watch this and be way smarter than your peers in only seven minutes. This shows how sneaky gender messages can be, and how big money takes advantage of anyone not paying attention.

      • No problem! And the being friends with girls part is probably the best way to get to know girls. Also, girls appreciate it if you understand them. I remember when I was your age, I went on a date with a guy and I said something about I couldn’t find my tweezers. He was like “oh did you just plug your eyebrows before you came here?” I was like “how do you know that?” And He told me that most of his friends were girls, so he knows the deal. I thought that was pretty cool at the time. I didn’t expect him to know what girls need tweezers for.

        People often say women are a mystery and men will never understand them but you can learn a great deal if you actually talk to them not trying to look sexy.

        I think it can also help you too, especially if you’re having a rough time. Boys have a lot of pressure to appear extra macho and masculine for society, so unfortunately, they’re often not the people you wanna cry in front of. If you’re going through a rough break up and you address it in a locker room, your friends might say “fuck that bitch! Just get a prettier new girlfriend and she’ll come crawling back!” and there’s no room to show you’re depressed. By the time girls hit puberty on the other hand, they should have the pampering pretty much perfected. You get to cry your heart out while eating ice cream out of a container. That can help you overcome the negative emotion much better.

      • Oooooh! I loved that video! I especially like the colors 😀
        Lol

        But that reminds me, in case you don’t think reading is excruciating like I do, you might wanna check out the book “Delusions of Gender: How our Minds, Society, and Neurosexism Create Difference” it does not only show you how sexism is all around you without being aware of it, it also shows you sexism in science. Yes, I said science! The last place where bigotry finds a place should be the ideally unbiased world of science. But unfortunately, there are a lot of bigotty scientists who make flawed experiments that offer evidence for their prejudiced hypotheses. So don’t immediately trust shit if it’s not in a textbook. First read the peer reviews of other scientists because they don’t all agree

      • Funny you should mention it, but….

        My research and consulting is in neuroscientific ways to enable the mind and body to become fantastically strong. I teach people how to become superheroes, literally. It’s fun as all get out.

        I’ve come across all sorts of hair-pulling examples in my research of humans shooting themselves in the ass when it comes to science. By the by, “science” is not an irreproachable belief system or organization, it is a process. It’s a technique for observing the world and, because humans are at the wheel of it, it’s subjective and biased as all hell.

        Do you know that there are mind-blowing ways for athletes to become stronger and faster, for students to become smarter, for artists and inventors to become creative at a genius level…but the studies proving it aren’t published because it differs from what the scientific canon currently espouses? Yup, scientists are like ten-year-olds when it comes to peer pressure.

        To keep in stride with the topic of the OP, misogyny is rather rampant among scientists, even when applying what they call “logic.” Do you know that, pretty much since the beginning, all medical testing has been done on male subjects because the delicate and changeable female system can skew results? Yet, the drugs that come out of these tests, the ones given the OK for public use, are recommended in the same dosage for both men and women.

        Now, if a woman has a system so subtle that it skews the testing, wouldn’t you think that might explain why women have vastly different responses to these same drugs than men? Think that might explain why ladies suffer different side effects than the dudes, and usually worse? But do they mention this in the commercials? Hell, no. Because revenues.

        Don’t get me started. Soon, I’ll need alcohol.

      • Yeah I know, I study psychology to become a researcher. I read that book in my physiological psychology class, so basically a neuroscience class. There have been a lot of ridiculous screw ups in science that are beginning to get better though. I think I saw something on the news the other day that it is now required of scientists to make drug tests on both male and female rats.

        I wouldn’t say things only get published if there is consensus. It’s actually the other way around, specifically when it comes to gender science. Articles are more likely to get published if they support the alternative hypothesis ( the researcher found a significant difference at alpha=0.05) instead of the null hypothesis (there is no significant difference). Alpha is usually set at 0.05, so the chance the researcher got her or his results by chance is under 5%. This means statistically speaking 1 in 20 research studies will indicate a significant difference when there is none. Let’s say in 19 research studies the researchers could find no significant difference between man and women in an fMRI study on memory tests. But then in the 20th study, the researchers do find a significant difference (probably because the sample was too small. FMRIs are expensive), this one study that found a difference will get published and the media will eat it up because that’s what they want to read. Of course, other neuropsychologists know that this study was rather an exception than the rule but the lay person reading it will think this is scientific consensus.

      • Oh, I would. I would say it until the proverbial cows come home.

        Lemme break it down for you.

        Science costs money. Scientists don’t open labs and run tests out of their own pocket, they need funding. Funding comes from businesses who have a vested interest in a certain outcome. They want somebody important in a white lab coat and a clipboard to look directly into the camera and say in a calm voice, “This drug works, buy it now.” When was the last time you saw a commercial paid for by Pfizer that outlined all the drugs they tried to get FDA approved but couldn’t?

        So, money is number one. Number two is status. Peer reviewed magazines and journals are just that: they are reviewed by ones peers. That means that if you are a quantum physicist, other quantum physicists will all get together and decide whether or not your assertions have merit. But that’s where the party goes terribly, terribly wrong.

        Because those “peers” doing the reviewing had to live through years and years of peer review, themselves, to achieve a status that now allows them to bring the gavel down on any upstart newbies. And those established scientists’ egos are resting rather heavily on the laurels of their historic successes. They have a vested interest in keeping themselves “right,” especially against some young ‘un who crashes their party and says, “Wait a minute, I can prove that what you guys have believed for centuries is actually wrong.”

        This presents an embarrassing paradox for the scientific canon. If they deny this new truth in the face of overwhelming facts, they look like incompetent morons but if they accept it, their reputations as The Right Ones might be shot, anyway. Better to just beat down this new guy and prevent him from getting into the clubhouse as long as they possibly can. Don’t publish him. Even better: publish stuff ridiculing his ideas to undermine his credibility like a sleazy southern political candidate caught behind Denny’s with a one-legged prostitute.

        This works for a while, but as more and more research backs the new paradigm, the old farts have to concede sooner or later. What’s hilarious to watch is the shameless backpedaling that goes on once the peer pressure dictates that they give way: “Well, ahem, I knew it all along, of course. I just didn’t think my colleagues were ready to think outside the box.”

        What a steaming pile. There are books and books of this crap going on, especially as regards the medical field, physics and cosmology, and consciousness. It’s the last one that I dance with and it’s amusing (when it’s not downright depressing) to hear the gamut of responses I get from all walks of science regarding my practice. From “leading edge genius” to “witchcraft.” (sigh)

        And I’ll leave it there so as not to hijack the thread any further.

    • Oh hey Callum! I just remembered three very good TED talks on men’s issues that I think you might find very helpful.

      The first one is by Johnathan Katz about how Violence is a men’s issue: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=KTvSfeCRxe8

      The second one is by Bill Pozzobon about masculinity http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=VDpuJXgD7Rs

      The third one is about the psychological effects of pornography http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=gRJ_QfP2mhU

      All thoughts: well, I don’t agree with that. Most funding at universities comes from the government. Although there have been some misconduct especially when it comes to proving the effects of illegal drugs because the war on drugs was mainly established to imprison some pesty political activists, it’s not nearly as intrusive as if a company paid for the research and generally such research would not be allowed in a scholarly journal.

      Also, the peer review process is not that one-sided. There is strong debate about most new articles in the scientific community and even if a research study doesn’t make it into a journal, there are still the conferences that are just as influential as journals. It’s extremely difficult to get in a journal. It’s not that difficult to get a poster presentation at a conference. And the point of those conferences is so the scientific community knows what’s being research and so they can recreate research.

  7. Good luck it is hard to break old cycles. A way to help your wife be less angry open communication and working as a team! There are household chores both of us detest, we also both work full time so we share the work load as best we can from cooking and cleaning (he cooks, he’s better at it) to kid wrangling and homework. In about 5 years he will retire from the Coast Guard and go to school and mostly be a kept husband. I just finished college and my career is ramping up so it is time for us to have a household role reversal from the last 10 years. Despite some rough times, the toll the military and separation takes on a marriage, and just the everyday grind of life with kids we have a great marriage and are very happy (including the sex thing when I am not 7 months pregnant). All of it is due to communication and when we have had issues it because we were not communicating properly.

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  9. I am not surprised to see all of the comments that show how clearly people missed the subtlety of this article. By saying “I don’t consider myself a misogynist… but….” and then illustrating the behavior he engages in that shows he clearly has a sense of entitlement because of his gender is his subtle way of telling people, “you may not identify with this difficult label but look at your actions which speak louder than words”.
    This is a difficult and touchy subject. No one wants to be called out as a person that demonstrates behavior that disrespects another person. (Or maybe, some men are loathe to give up their privilege.) It makes one defensive. But if this dialogue is ever going to make progress, everyone needs to really be courageous enough to examine their true behaviors and beliefs.
    The thing I find hardest to deal with is women that deny misogyny. It’s almost like having a team mate insist that you’re winning the Championship when it’s clear your getting creamed by the competition and you won’t even make it out of the regionals.

  10. Well-written. I’ll bet it made you uncomfortable, but for putting it out there, I applaud you wholeheartedly. For all the ways you are willing to try to escape and undo your prejudice and privilege, good on you. Make sure you teach better ways to your children, as well. Let them know the change you’re making is an important one.

  11. Sounds to me like you’re a man in a crappy marraige who has to deal with his wife running his life and heavily implying to him what a shit he is. No womder you feel like crap. Your wife sure treats you like shit.

  12. The awareness is the most effort you will ever make. Acting on new knowledge is easy compared to shifting entrenched beliefs. Once you’ve got the awareness down, and you’ve sat with it for awhile, watching the world around you and all your old friends with new eyes, you’ll find that the “changing” part you mentioned has already happened.

    Now, all you have to do is BE this new person. If you are someone who acts on their beliefs, if you are a person of integrity, this will be easy. The faster you do it, the quicker the rewards. If you are unsure what to do, just ask yourself:

    How do I want my wife and children to describe me to their friends?

  13. Oh how I wish the whole word would have your revelation. The important part is that you notice things, and you attempt to change them. Too many people think “guys will be guys, girls will be girls.” But that’s damaging.

    Thank you for this.

  14. Well done. We need more public acknowledgements and self-awareness like this. The problem will not change overnight or even with many well-intentioned, vocal leaders. You ask me, it will take many, many years of training and re-training and raising the next many generations of men (and women) to view and treat women differently than they have in the past. This is the nature of evolution, and that is what must happen for males to lose their “warts” and females to feel comfortable in their environment.

  15. I appreciate what you’ve said in this post. This does reach out beyond yourself to bring awareness to other men who may be thinking the same things, or acting the same way. I hope that you continue to do this in other ways, also. That you help your kids recognize that daddy’s been acting wrong (girls and boys both need to realize this), that you help your coworkers recognize that the way they talk in the break room isn’t okay, that you can help your friends recognize the troubles with their wives may not be so one-sided as they think.

    And I wish you and your wife the best, and hope that you can rekindle that passionate love that you married for, that mutual respect can help heal the damage.

  16. It is a symptom of the decline of the West, brought to you by the brave soldiers of feminism, who do the long marsh to victory for Marx.

    I feel sorry for you that your wife has been poisoned by the lust for destruction and “widernatürlichkeit” that is innate in feminism.

    You are not a misogynist, you merely realized that feminism is a scam and affront to civilization itself. It’s a cult, like diversity. You are a man in harmony with nature… can this be labelled with something as misogyny? It’s just an inflationary used word that doesn’t even describe what you think correctly.
    The only rape culture that exists is the culture of feminist thought. It’s the culture that gives women free money, labour. extra rights and less responsibilities. All it rapes is common sense.

    • Ok, ladies! Who told Adolf here about our secret plan to bring chaos and destruction to the world? Get it together ladies! If you let lil Hitler know about our secret plans, we never get to put babies on spikes and eat them while dancing to African tribal music. Jeez!

  17. You wrote a good piece.
    Now set aside this blog post and be with your wifey…Most likely she does have some repressed/hidden talents/wishes she needs explore. But it’s buried or she’s tired of thinking about the effort to discuss this with you..

    You don’t need to talk with us..strangers…speak with your wife. Heart felt.

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  19. Wow, some of these comments are bonkers. I, for one, loved this piece and so appreciate the subtlety. I can’t believe both men and women here have attacked you for it. Everyone needs to be part of the conversation – men and women alike. My absolute favorite line in this piece is about having the biggest slice of pizza – brilliant.

  20. Well written and insightful. By what you’re describing, I don’t think your a misogynist.
    Frankly, much of what frustrates your wife about you is similar to what frustrates me about my wife! I’m the “sensitive”, easily offended one in our marriage. I don’t think that makes her a…what’s the female version of a misogynist? It’s just us, living through the lens of our respective personality types.
    Thanks for sharing so honestly, and congrats on the Fresh Pressing.

  21. Excellent write, Dude. I’m much the same as you in many ways. Having said that, it’s something of a two way street, I think women hate us to some degree too, there really is a ‘battle of the sexes;’ there is no getting around that to each other, we are to some large degree ‘the other.’ Considering the effort some people put into keeping the ‘mystery’ alive about the opposite sex, the different types of speech we have with our own genders and when the ‘other’ is around, a real mutual understanding between us doesn’t seem to be a popular goal.

    Personally, I lacked male role models (except on TV, etc), I was raised by man-hating women. They had good reason to hate, don’t get me wrong – but I was a young boy and only started accepting myself late in adulthood, due to the inconvenient fact of my maleness. I think I’m fairly clear about it now, even if I do have many male patterns . . . and now for the dangerously PI part of the speech:

    Women raise most of the people in this culture. Most of us misogynist or not men were far more greatly influenced by our mothers than our fathers, ever since the industrial revolution. For us all to get free of this self-perpetuating battle of the sexes, men need to change, yes, but probably women need to as well. It’s no secret what I think is a big part of every human problem. Here’s my blog:

    http://abusewithanexcuse.com/

    and here’s the post that is closest to this conversation:

    https://wordpress.com/read/post/id/60353879/24/

  22. Clarification:

    1. I was raised by feminists. I started there, and had to work my back to not hating myself due to my maleness. I am in no way a male supremacist, or whatever they call themselves.

  23. I put this on both my blogs— You’re very insightful. “…a generation of men to be pussies…” funny how I can’t relate to anyone worrying about me ever becoming a ‘pussy,”… Heard a lot of “you throw like a girl,” etc… Sayings like that still bother me. I didn’t get to choose my gender. Or how being a girl was somehow insulting to boys. Following your blog now. Thanks for writing this.

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  26. Holy shit. I’m rarely floored by a post, but this did it for me. As for the commentor who said, “U sound like a bad person,” bad people generally don’t consider their actions, really weighing them and regretting some of them. If anything, I think this self-reflection shows that you’re a thoughtful and good person – but hey, you don’t need my validation.

    I got sidetracked there. What I wanted to say was that I was raised in a small conservative town in the south, by parents who sometimes made comments like, “He was so well-spoken for a black man!”

    …I *still* have these thoughts from time to time, even though my brain instantly squashes them. I hate that those thoughts bubble up, and I would *never* say those things out loud because they’re hurtful and untrue. But they’re in my head for life, I think, because I’m a product of my upbringing. In the end, this rambling comment means to say that we’re all flawed, and if we can look at ourselves honestly and try to make our actions match our beliefs, then we truly are doing the best we can. It sounds like you’re about to take that step.

  27. SO good and honest!

    If anything you are a man,with all that we have programmed in our DNA. We get to choose how to respond to women, and our past has a lot to do with that. The way we learned, or didn’t learn.

    My treatment of women was selfish until I reached the maturity age for men……35! Ok ladies, I know I’m giving men a lot of credit there!

    I learned to view women different in my second marriage and pray you never have to learn that way brother. I found love a first time in my second marriage, my first marriage was not based on something even akin to love.

    My wife now, was a single mother with several kids,the youngest being a daughter, very young and adorable! I have always loved her (them) as my own, through and through. It was then I realized to my shame, my treatment of every relationship with the other sex prior, was always selfish, all the time, maybe not on the surface, but definitely in my motivations. Like you handing a clean car as a caveman with game to your wife in hopes for sex! Yeah she smelled that a mile away!

    We are all sailors thinking of women and yep….you got it! It helps propagate the species. That’s true. But it shouldn’t be our motivation.

    Anyway, I digress.

    UNTIL, my step daughter and new wife! I loved my step daughter, the way I saw my father-in-law loved his daughter, and BOOM the light just went on! My father-in-law did things for my wife out of pure love for her as his daughter, and believe me when I tell you……He made it clear he would not settle for anything less from me, where his daughter was concerned.

    WOW!!!!! I said…..”that’s how I feel about my daughter!” I pity the fool who messes her up!……..Like I did in every relationship before………….

    I was cut to the core. I did love my wife, but not purely for who she was….and INSTANTLY that changed. Because my wife IS all those things to me your wife IS to you, and after 10 years I can say I am still madly in love!

    But still NOT loving her purely, all the time, the way I want someone to love my baby girl. But I keep trying. I am not a wuss, I am all man, but my women need to have flowers because they like flowers, not because of what I want, or some rotten skunk of a boy wants in return. AND yes my lady can smell my false pretenses a mile away too!

    Changing is a process, it takes time! Oh, and they do the same thing at times, let’s not just crush men. They just have a different focus. Good luck in changing, God Speed!

    “25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,” ~ Ephesians 5:25

    http://www.wikihow.com/Love-Your-Wife-According-to-the-Bible

    Seriously good stuff!!!!!! Not perfect at this,,,,,,,,,,,, BUT TRYING!

  28. I really liked the article the way you expressed….reflective, sincere almost rhythmic….I am gonna follow your blog even if I am a quintessential woman. I can understand what you are trying to say….that’s all.

  29. Reblogged this on Thee Bloomin Idiot and commented:
    Came across this post and found it; So good and Honest!

    A good place for all men to start. Do you want to be a man to your woman? Than buck up buddy!!!!!

    Read this post, “I Don’t Consider Myself a Misogynist”, then come back and read my insight, which came from my comment on his post.

    Nate,

    If anything you are a man,with all that we have programmed in our DNA. We get to choose how to respond to women, and our past has a lot to do with that. The way we learned, or didn’t learn.

    My treatment of women was selfish until I reached the maturity age for men……35! Ok ladies, I know I’m giving men a lot of credit there!

    I learned to view women different in my second marriage and pray you never have to learn that way, brother. I found love (real love) for the first time in my second marriage, my first marriage was not based on something even akin to love.

    My wife now, was a single mother with several kids,the youngest being a daughter, very young and adorable! I have always loved her (them) as my own, through and through. It was then I realized to my shame, my treatment of every relationship with the other sex prior, was always selfish, all the time, maybe not on the surface, but definitely in my motivations. Like you…. handing a clean car much like a caveman with game, to your wife in hopes for sex! Yeah she smelled that a mile away!

    We are all sailors thinking of women and yep….you got it!
    It helps propagate the species. That’s true. But it shouldn’t be our motivation.

    Anyway, I digress.

    So I was selfish in my relationships, UNTIL, my step daughter and new wife entered the picture! I loved my step daughter, the way I saw my father-in-law loved his daughter, and BOOM the light just went on! My father-in-law did things for my wife out of pure love for her as his daughter, and believe me when I tell you……He made it clear he would not settle for anything less from me, where his daughter was concerned.

    WOW!!!!! I said…..”that’s how I feel about my daughter!” I pity the fool who messes her up!……..Like I did in every relationship before………….

    I was cut to the core. I did love my wife, but not purely for who she was….and INSTANTLY that changed. Because my wife IS all those things to me your wife IS to you, and after 10 years I can say I am still madly in love!

    But still NOT loving her purely, all the time, the way I want someone to love my baby girl. But I keep trying. I am not a wuss, I am all man, but my women need to have flowers because they like flowers, not because of what I want, or some rotten skunk of a boy wants in return. AND yes my lady can smell my false pretenses a mile away too!

    Changing is a process, it takes time! Oh, and they do the same thing at times, let’s not just crush men. They just have a different focus. Good luck in changing, God Speed!

    “25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,” ~ Ephesians 5:25

    http://www.wikihow.com/Love-Your-Wife-According-to-the-Bible

    Seriously good stuff!!!!!! Not perfect at this,,,,,,,,,,,, BUT TRYING!

    • Sexism is not “simply differentiating between the sexes.” That’s called Biology. Sexism is attributing value or lack of value to a person based on their sex. Sexism is a woman dressing like a man is acceptable because men are higher than women, so she is moving “up”, but a man who dresses like a woman is not acceptable because women are lower than men, so he is moving “down”. Sexism is a woman who expresses a complaint is seen as “whiny” but a man who expresses a complaint is seen as assertive. Sexism is a woman walking down the street who ignores random stranger’s wolf whistles becomes a slut, bitch, ho, or is threatened with violence for ignoring the rude comments of the man. Sexism is refusing to acknowledge that life experiences are very different if you are a woman, and that these experiences are not somehow less legitimate than male experiences.

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